the fear of logging out

One of the most significant things I notice about myself when I'm going through an anxious or down spell is my need for reassurance and attention.

By attention, I don't mean I act up for attention, I mean I genuinely just crave conversations, social media likes, affection etc etc from people. Some kind of validation, something to provide me with a temporary spurt of happiness, something to absorb myself in other than my overthinking, or something to fill the void of whatever I'm going through or dealing with.

By reassurance, I mean I rely on the attention above to reassure me I'm doing things right or I am loved, wanted + I fit in etc etc (whatever my mind is striving for).

To some extent, we all need to feel reassured, safe and accepted to survive. Right back from when we were cave people, we needed to fit into a pack to survive, and that's still in our instincts now. We need to feel wanted and loved and valid, and not as if we are going to get rejected from our pack. However, it's not just our local pack we need to fit into anymore, it's the whole world we have access to at the touch of our fingers. It's people on the other side of the world we are competing with or comparing ourselves to and it's actually pretty freaky. That in itself, can make social media a very challenging and complicated pool to dunk ourselves into and can actually cause more anxiety when we seek acceptance and reassurance on it.

From my personal experience, social media can actually start to have the adverse effect of reassurance on me. I will reach out to people, post more, interact more to gain acceptance and validation, when, in reality, it's never actually enough to satisfy my anxiety. Not only is my mind striving for the impossible - something along the lines of being loved by every single specimen out there - it is also trying to figure out people's responses and tones via literal typed out words. Has their tone changed? Why aren't they replying? Why has this post not gained much attention? The list goes on; it's exhausting. So, to cut a long story short, I seek reassurance over social media, which sucks me in and actually ends up feeding my anxiety in the long term.

Alongside this, we are all faced with the harsh lack of reality on social media. Particularly since lockdown + the Covid-19 outbreak, I have found myself becoming quite a ravenous 'scroller' on my socials. What else in there to do in these troubled times? - literally everything Dani. Naturally, I notice a huge shift in myself and my attitude towards myself on days when I'm scrolling a lot. I become way too aware of other people and find myself way too deep into comparing myself to, not the real people themselves, but the 'social media' versions of them. The only 'them' I know, the idea of them I have created from their small presentation of themselves online. To be blunt, it's just not the best boat to be in, but it's a boat many of us naturally are in. As said above, it's completely normal to compare ourselves to other people and I think it's important to remind yourself of that and not beat yourself up about it. However, I think the main point I'm having to tell myself and would like remind you guys is that one photograph online does not determine a whole individual. That photo is probably one of fifty photographs they took. It perhaps has an edit or filter over it and even if it doesn't, it's one snapshot of their whole life. It's superficial. It's so easy to rush into narratives in our heads that one amazing photo means someone is living our dream life. Please remember we are all guilty of posting our highlights online, and not our downs so much, and that's what creates this very superficial society online. And one more thing, someone else's beauty doesn't take away from our own!

I feel really lucky to be more self-aware than I have ever been before. It's scary being in touch with the behaviours which feed our minds negatively, but also incredibly useful and important when we need to take a break and take a step back. Hence why I have taken a step back from my Instagram, Facebook, Twitter + Messenger a fair few times over the years. No, Tik Tok does not count as a negative social media outlet to me, it will forever be the gold of comedy in my eyes.

It is extremely ironic writing a blog post which I will probably plug on all my socials about this subject. However, I felt it was important to reflect on how rewarding these breaks can be.

Taking a few breaks definitely taught me a few things:

-What I enjoy doing other than scrolling. It was difficult to find things at first.

-How much excessive time I really spend on social media. A LOT.

-How much I love listening to podcasts

-How much I feel the need to share online. No Dani, you do not need to tell people you have just eaten an entire pack of jaffa cakes or how much you love your dog

-How detached we can become from the world around us despite being so connected with eachother

-How much I rely on social media for creative inspiration

-Who sincerely reaches out to me

-How much I saw messaging people and notifications as a stress, without even knowing. I must reply to this person and I must keep up with the online trends

-How important it is to have human face-to-face connection, particularly when signed out. Mindfully ensure you aren't distancing yourself from people.

I am not here to preach at all. We live in a world which relies on the internet. Particularly as an artist, I have to use it to promote myself. I know a lifelong detachment from socials would be extremely challenging. Also, I completely appreciate how challenging even one break can be. It can be quite frightening letting go of something we rely on so much and something which reassures us and keeps us in the loop. However, multiple breaks have really opened my eyes and improved my health and I genuinely believe it could help a lot of you too. Whether it be a two hour break, a two day break, a two month break, it all has an impact. Since going into lock down, it might just be limiting your time on socials each day which goes a long way (this is what I'm going to try)!

If you think you'd benefit from logging out (and it's completely your call), consider it and let me know how it goes! Be open to letting go of your online presence for a while and stopping trying to keep up with the constant refresh on your news feed. I am excited to hear what you guys learnt about yourselves from it.