why taking two gap years was one of the best decisions i've ever made

Me, 2018, Brighton, UK

You're currently looking at a photo of me two and a half years ago when I had just visited a university in Brighton and decided I was going to take a year out of education to go and have FUN. I had no idea what I was going to do for the next year and was definitely pooping myself despite the smile on my face, however I had just made one of the biggest decisions of my life all for one person - myself! I haven't taken the typical route to where I am today at all, hence why I wanted to share the story of my gap years and university journey. I never had the opportunity to meet someone who had taken a gap year that didn't involve moving to the other side of the world and backpacking. For anxiety-ridden 18 year old me, that wasn't a viable option. I was lost for a very long time when it came to applying for university the first time round and trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life. I know this feeling isn't uncommon anymore, but I felt so alone at the time. Hence why twenty year old me is writing this post because now, more than ever, I would like to remind young people how okay it is to feel how I felt.

Having just finished two years of A-Levels at quite a conspicuous sixth form, I had heard the university speech over and over again. I could recite the 'importance of going to uni' to anyone if they wanted to hear it and the pressure to get a spot on a university or apprenticeship course was drilled into my head. We were often met in sixth form assemblies with student guests describing how unreal and life-changing going to university was and why we should go for it too. With all of this, it just felt like the only right thing to do. Alongside the pressure from society telling us to be successful we must get a degree, I applied and landed myself a place on a Broadcast Journalism course in Manchester. For a while, I was set on it, there didn't seem to be any other option for me. Leaving education and 'just getting a job' was so watered down to us that it felt like a lost choice for those who just couldn't make their mind up and wanted to be trapped in their home towns forever. Fast forward to now and that was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Every year, young people are told the same tale that they should know what path in life they would like to take, preferably something academic, unless they can afford the unpredictability or lack of support for artistic endeavours. It is ruthless. When I reminisce on 18 year old me, she was a complete different person to who I am today - youthful; outgoing but insecure. She looked at Fashion courses, and Music degrees, but they all felt so far away from what she could afford or feel worthy to do. Coming from a working class single parent household, I was always loved and encouraged by my mum to do what made me happy, but the idea of finance and stability definitely lingered in the back of my mind. Societal opinions and pressures surrounded me. I wanted to do something that would reliably set me up, my priority was to succeed, not to necessarily enjoy myself.

In June 2018, I had started taking trips to IKEA to buy student-life necessities. I had been completely blinded by anticipation and studying for my exams for so long, that it wasn't until this point that I was sitting with the idea of going to university and gradually becoming uncomfortable with it. Doubts were creeping in about leaving home and whether I even wanted to study Journalism at all. All my life, writing songs and performing had been my creative outlet, the thing I breathed, and no matter how hard I tried to give in to academia, Music would not leave my side. I was writing songs about the stress and anxieties of being eighteen and having no idea what I was doing; going to gigs was a weekly occurrence; and performing at open mics was my main priority for weekends. Still, I had discounted it for so long because of my lack of self-confidence and the force of societal ideologies. When I finally sat with this, it hit me that I couldn't go forward without giving Music a shot. Thus leading to the photograph above; a trip to Brighton to look at the British + Irish Modern Music Institute. I fell in love and cancelled my Journalism place instantly.

Next came A LOT of uncertainty. I was in a privileged position to have support from my mum and I was able to continue living at home despite being unemployed for a while. However, I was worrying constantly about whether I had made the right choice and I was down about having a lack of purpose to my days. I started applying for Retail and Hospitality jobs - anything to give my mind something to do. I luckily landed a position working for Dr Martens. I worked as a Sales Assistant and quickly discovered my passion for the brand and company's values. I put my everything into sales and got trained up in as much as possible. This led to me working in Management within my first year of employment. Working for such a nurturing store and brand led my to coolest opportunities too. I got invited to work their SS20 Global Product Launch and visually merchandise the collections, and manage stores way out of my comfort zone. It is notable to say whilst reminiscing I remember occasionally bumping into people from school whilst working. The first question they'd ask is 'Oh hi! How are you? Are you working alongside uni?'. I was often approached with gritted teeth and fake happiness from people who struggled to believe I could be comfortable 'just working' everyday. Little did they know, I was doing things 18 year old me couldn't even imagine being capable of. I was learning how to communicate and hold myself professionally and building an amazing work ethic, which I've now been able to bring to my adult life. All of this, whilst defying the odds of the education system.

Me, 2019, Dr Martens

Alongside work, I was earning money to go and explore new places and just have some time out of studying. I realised how fried my brain was from my GCSEs and A-Levels. Going to university would have just been the cherry on top, and I think it would have overwhelmed me after juggling so much studying for so long. I went on some European city breaks and managed to make it to New York for a week - one of my biggest dreams. I continued performing on weekends at open mics and playing a few gigs to keep fulfilling my passion for music too. I also shamelessly did a lot of partying. However, it wasn't all sweet. My anxiety still existed, I was living an adult working life very young and I experienced my first relationship break-down back in 2019. After this, I realised I needed another year out. I started going to therapy and decided to dedicate my second gap year to healing and putting myself first. I learnt more about myself than I thought could be possible and finally felt closer to myself after such a turbulent struggle with my mental health through my teenage years. After two gap years of working my a$$ off and unreal amounts of self-discovery, I started contemplating things again. I was in a complete different mindset to two years ago. I felt so much more motivated to study again and put my all into Music. I was so ready to learn and spread my wings from my home town. The only way I can describe it is feeling rejuvenated from two years away from education. I had gained so much self-confidence from my job that I had way more belief in myself and ambitions and I couldn't bare to think of being old and looking back and thinking 'what if'. I decided to audition for Music University.

I'm going to do a more in depth post on applying to Music University and choosing a degree in the Arts soon so let's fast forward to now. I am currently in my adorable flat in Manchester, remotely studying Music, just having eaten a sexy bowl of Vegan pasta. I still work for Dr Martens alongside studying and I am writing more than ever before for platforms I adore. When I was younger, I used to dream of living in a beautiful apartment in a big city, studying Music, and it's surreal that I'm now honouring that. The pandemic has altered the reality slightly, but I'm doing the unimaginable and that is the BEST feeling.

I guess the main thing I want to offer people from this post is the story of someone who didn't just go to university because it what they were told to do. I want to remind people that there's more to life than jumping into education and careers deemed viable by the government. Looking back, I ache for younger me and wish I could give her a hug and reassure her how she feels is so normal and that she was going to have two amazing years of doing everything society told her not to do. So I guess this is me now, giving anyone in a similar position now a hug and telling you all of the above. No matter what you are being brainwashed with, whether that be from school, your parents or society, all that matters is you and what you want to do. This is your life. I know it is frightening being faced with your whole life ahead of you but I assure you, you have so much more time than you believe. You are allowed to take some time out and rest. Without my two gap years, I would never have been ready to go to university or move out. Without those two years, I'd be incomplete now and I am so thankful for listening to myself back then and choosing to ignore the ideologies of society.

So readers, do you. Listen to your heart and know that how you feel is so unbelievably normal, people just don't like to talk about it. If you're heading to university and buzzing about it then go you, if not then equally go you! Everyones in a race to know what they want to do with their whole lives when sometimes they just need to pause or look around a little more. Trust your feelings, not the insistence of the education system that you should know what the heck to should be doing with your life at 18. And finally, feel free to drop me a message/email if you are in a period of uncertainty at the moment. I know this is just one story, but I am hopeful it can at least make one of you feel a little less alone.